James' Plot
by LilyJames addict
Summary: Lighthearted ficlet. James complains about, who else?, Lily Evans and her continued unfairness to his poor, harassed person. Please read&review.
1. St Valentine

Disclaimer: Really, I don't own Lily or James. The person who does…we'll just call her goddess for today.

Note: Just a fic from James' POV. He attempts to gain Lily's attention . A bit of fun, light-heartedness. Please leave a valentine, excuse me, review, at the end!

What is Valentine's Day? An excuse to annoy people who hate you.

"Hey Evans! You wanna go on a date with me?" I ran to catch up with Lily. Man, she wasn't looking too happy.

"No Potter. I don't want to go on a date with you. Good day."

This is so unfair. Every time I ask her it's the same. No no no no no. NO!

There is no equality in the world.

Okay, I guess it's easier for a bloke to get a job, make a lot of dough and marry a hot wife, but still, you don't need to beat us over the head for it, right?

But there is one thing that women will always do better in than men. Besides multi-tasking, really, I don't know how they do it. I get sidetracked by the simplest things and then I can't remember what I was talking about. Women do.

Huh.

What was I talking about?

Uhh…oh yeah! Women will always beat men in love. Seriously, the game of love has strict rules. Women know the rules. Men don't. It's as simple as that.

And no man, none whatsoever, has ever successfully outwitted a woman in the game of love. It's rather bruising actually, thinking about it. I'm depressed for my sex, to be continually beat down. It's tough, being a bloke, you know? Seriously. It is.

I guess I haven't really introduced myself yet. I am James Potter. I'm a pureblood, and would be labeled a blood-traitor, except the Death Eaters are too scared of my family's power to say anything. Heh.

I'm a seventh year. Head Boy, along with my lovely Head Girl: Miss Lily Evans.

Most notably, I am a prankster, a Marauder. Quoting Webster's Dictionary (whoever Webster is): "Marauder, noun, someone who attacks in search of booty."

I wouldn't exactly say we _attack_. Like I said before, it's more pranking. And 'booty'…well, we'll go for either kind.

Now that I've made my introduction, I can continue my earlier thought.

Which was…

Damn.

What was it?

See? This is what I was talking about. If I could multitask I could explain things while thinking about others. But I can't.

I remembered; I was talking about Evans. Lily Evans. Head Girl Lily Evans, the most perfect girl in this school.

And she's _mine_.

Well, figuratively. I've got her staked out, and no other bloke would dare approach her, but she's not technically mine. She refused me one too many times for that to be true.

It's so hard being me, really, I try to act like I'm cool and all, but seriously, it's a hard life.

Being me.

You got that?

I'll say it again: It's. _Hard_. Being. _Me._

Damn. That was the bell. For class. To which I am late. Oh well, it's only Charms. I think I intimidate Flitwick. Hah. Man, the bloke's about two feet tall. He's got nothing on my 6'4 height. (Yes, I am very proud of my height. My father's about 6', and my mum's 5'5.)

"-movement is important so watch carefully."

I slipped in (no sense in making a big deal of being late) and took a seat beside my best mate, Sirius "Padfoot" Black.

He glanced up from his doodling and smirked. "Who was it this time?" He asked quietly.

I rolled my eyes. "I was just thinking." My eyes flicked towards the front of the class. I didn't mean to…it was almost like a reflex.

I looked back to Sirius to see him frowning.

"What?" I wondered.

"Why don't you just get over her?" He asked, frustrated.

For having him as a brother-from-another-mother, he can be pretty stupid when it comes to me.

"I told you mate, I can't give up on her." I whispered back, noticing Flitwick looking our way. "Pretend to take notes." I hissed at Sirius.

"Why do I always have to pretend? Why can't you pretend?" He whined, beginning to write random words on his paper.

I chanced a glance at Flitwick and sighed. "It's okay now. He's looking away." I leaned back in my chair, stretching out. "And as for your question, who always have some paper and a quill out. Plus, the leader never does something a subordinate could do."

Sirius took a swipe at me (and missed) and we began to tease each other back and forth until Moony told us to shut up.

Ah, Moony, my other fellow Marauder Remus "Moony" Lupin. More like 'law-abiding' Lupin. I don't know how he ever ended up becoming a prankster with his love of the rules. Seriously, if you wanted (and I suggest you don't) you could get him to recite the whole Prefect Handbook. Word for word. All one hundred and sixty-two pages.

Trust me, it's better not to ask.

Hey look, it's the end of the period. One more class and then lunch.

Perfect.

Another chance to ask Evans out.

--

"Potter, I'm warning you, get the hell away from here."

"Where would I go then?" God, I love pushing her buttons.

"I don't know, somewhere away from here. Go over there!" She almost yelled.

"Here's just there without a t." I said helpfully.

You know what? Maybe moving over there wouldn't be such a bad idea.

I never seem to have much luck with this whole wooing her thing. I try, really, I do…don't give me that look. It's just so hard sometimes. I want to go out with her. I can honestly swear to it.

I love Lily Evans.

I love the way she almost skips when she's excited, and the way she eats when she's in a hurry, and the way she taps her nails when she's thinking about something, and they way she gets all fired up over something stupid I do.

Out of all my pranks and jokes and stupid remarks, the smartest thing I ever remember doing is falling in love with Lily Evans.

Not that she'll ever love me.

Right now we get along half the time, and the other half she yells at me. But we do occasionally have civil conversations…about prefect rotation schedules…but still! It's an improvement. Within no time we'll be married.

Well, married is a bit extreme, and 'no time' would technically be about fifty years…but to love, time makes no difference!

Uhh…didn't mean to say that out loud…now Old Sluggy thinks I'm even crazier than he originally thought. Which was pretty crazy. Especially taking into consideration that prank that we played on him where we turned all his robes to neon colors with matching fur along the edges.

Yeah.

--

Well, that was a pointless class. We sat there while Sluggy lectured us on his past protégés and their accomplishments.

He does that quite often actually, I don't know why Dumbledore keeps him on as a professor. Maybe it's because even though we're not learning anything it's nice to have a "free" period. Oh yeah, Sluggy also praised Evans' latest potion. Apparently it was one of the best he'd ever seen. And she'd make a great Potions Master.

Yeah right, she's gonna be an Auror. And before you ask why I know this, it's because I heard her talking it over with her friends in fifth year. No, I was not stalking her. They were in the common room and anyone could've heard them. Anyone who wanted to heard, anyway.

Really.

-- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- --

_Next Day:_

"Really Evans, why don't you want to go out with me?"

"I just don't."

"Don't I deserve an answer? Just to know why I'm being rejected?"

"No."

"Please. I promise I won't use the information against you in any way and that nothing bad will come of it."

"Yeah right Potter. You'll probably take my words and twist them to suit your need and I'll end up incriminating myself somehow."

"C'mon Evans, just believe me."

"The only part of belief I see in you is the _lie_ part."

Ouch. That was uncalled for. That was only once! And who knew she was going to remember that once! It was only about that Transfiguration project…that cost her two grades…Oh yeah…

"I'm sorry Lily-"

"Evans."

"Lily, but I didn't mean to. It was supposed to be an innocent joke. We were thirteen then, we didn't know any better."

"Evans. And yes you did. You know very well what you were getting into Potter. That's why I won't date you, because even if you know something's stupid and wrong, you'll still do it just for a laugh." She was almost hissing at me. "You think everything's worth a laugh. And that's what I hate about you. That you can't tell when something just isn't _funny_ any more."

With that she swept away, leaving me fairly confused.

I knew where the line was! I watched in come close every time we played a prank. I watched it come near, sometimes dangerously near, and then slide back, away from me. There was only one time the Marauders overstepped that line, and it wasn't my fault. It was Padfoot's. Last year he told Snape how to get to the Shrieking Shack on a full moon, and I ended up _saving_ _Snape_. Little ol' Snivelous Snape was in a life-threatening situation and I was the mature one who handle everything cleanly and ended up saving the day.

Wow. I never realized just how boring classes can be when you already know what the material is on. DADA is pretty basic stuff. I learned all this back from my Dad (he's and Auror, so he knows tons of spells for dueling and stuff like that.

-- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- --

_A Week Later:_

Remember how Evans told me to not cross the line? Well, I went to talk to Remus about that. And he told me to not ask Evans out for a week and then ask her out.

Remus claimed that her "line" speech was actually a metaphor for her feelings.

Don't ask me, I just nodded along. The only reason I actually waited a week was because Padfoot bet me I couldn't go a week without asking Evans out or make any suggestive comments about the two of us, or about her.

I'm glad to say that I won, though it was a little rough around midweek, trying to control myself.

But now, finally, I can ask her out again.

"Evans. You want to go on a date?"

"Do I have to tell you to leave again?" She sighed.

"If you want me to leave you could put your hands on my hot tight little body and make me." I smirked, this was my daily entertainment.

Her eyebrows rose and she looked like she wanted to laugh. Hah! Point to me for cracking the shell! But she pulled herself together.

"You don't want me to move you forcibly."

"Why not babe?" I smirked happily.

Wow. Since when did I defy gravity?

Oh shit, I don't.

_Ow…_

Okay, that _hurt_. Like _hell_.

I looked up to see Lily brushing off her shoulders. "I suggest you learn martial arts. You would be in no position to defend yourself if you lost your wand in a duel."

I fell back on the floor. Just what I needed, not only does the girl humiliate me by spurning my charm; she also physically throws me halfway across the common room. Well, there goes my self-esteem…and ego…and pride…and masculinity…hey look at that, I'm almost a girl! Just a bit of plastic surgery and I'll be made!

Uh yeah…I didn't just say that…

Moving on.

So, I guess that week break didn't really work. Oh well, I guess Valentine's season isn't really all it's cracked up to be, with its "love is in the air" motto.

Maybe Evans'll be more open in the Easter season. You're supposed to give up something you love throughout lent, and everyone knows she loves to fight me, so if she stops fighting me, she'd just plain old love me.

That's sounds like a wonderful plan.

Until Easter then.


	2. Easter

Disclaimer: Has anyone noticed that JKR doesn't really need to worry about copyrights? She's got enough dough as it is; I doubt she'd mind sharing a bit of it with us needy ff writers.

Note: I know I haven't written in forever, so I'm updating this, something I originally had as a one-shot, till I got a review yesterday who took me seriously when I said 'Till Easter then.' (angelofmynightmare :D). So, I decided that maybe this story could break my two-month streak of not writing. Don't ask why, school and all that junk, I have a new story that I'm gonna start posting on Thursday, the 12th (my birthday), so look out for that. Hopefully I'll get around to the other stories as well. This is the last chapter.

--

So I waited till Lent. That whole Christian thingy leading up to Easter you know?

And you know what I found out?

She's Jewish.

How's that for a let down, huh?

So all this planning I had? All for nothing. I was so down about it, I completely forgot about the Easter feast at lunch.

Can you imagine?

I forgot _food_.

For a _girl_.

This is disgusting. I need something in my life to take over and distract me.

Maybe I can get Sirius to help me plot a prank against Snivellus. That always makes me feel better.

Yeah, I think I'll go do that.

Hmm…where would Sirius be, at 3pm on a Sunday?

Broom cupboard.

Damn, where's my map? It could take forever to find him in this castle. It's just that big.

"I solemnly swear I'm up to no good." I whispered. Wouldn't want our secret getting out. That wouldn't help us in our mischief making.

No, not at all.

Hmmm, not on the third floor...or fourth…

Damn, we really need to fix this map. It's so unwieldy. I have bunches of parchment crumpled up in my hands and I'm holding it at a slant to try and read better. Too many stupid kids in this overly large icebox.

He's not on the fifth…or, damn, he's in the _library_?

I had just skimmed that section of the map, not really expecting to find him there. I mean, really, we're talking about Padfoot here, Mr. I'm-too-good-looking-to-be-seen-in-that-dusty-smelly-library.

The second thing that caught my eye was that he wasn't alone.

No.

That couldn't be.

_Lily?_

He wouldn't do that to me.

Would he?

I've found that I can no longer put myself in his place. I guess it was when he was thrown out of his house that I first noticed it. He was still Sirius. Ol' Padfoot. But no, not really. He had changed. Something. Something that I couldn't figure out.

I was torn from my thoughts by the sound of snickering.

I glanced up to see a couple fifth year Slytherins passing me.

I glared at them, tapping the map and barely whispering "Mischief Managed."

They smirked as they passed me.

I nearly hexed them, just to relieve tension, but I restrained myself, being the Head Boy and all.

I guess I did look pretty stupid. A great big piece of parchment, and my jaw hanging to the ground.

I suppose.

Walking through the halls I wondered. What would Sirius be doing anything in the library? And _why_ was he with Evans?

Why does she hang out with him? What's so much better about him than me? He's the same. That's why we get along. 'Cause we're like twins from different mothers. So why would he be okay and not me?

Oh yeah…he doesn't ask her out every other moment…

Well, besides that…

I mean, I wish I could be there…with them…with her.

Wow, when did I develop a heart?

There's Madam Pincer.

And the skanky girls…I smiled weakly and gave them a half wave as they giggled and leant over in their too-tight shirts. Ugh…

Well, okay, they're interesting, superficially anyway, I mean, come on. The chest just about falling out, the short skirts, flaring up…uh, yeah…I love Lily. I love Lily. I love Lily…Lily…Lily.

Move James, don't slow down.

Don't.

Slow.

Down.

Ah, there's Lily.

And Sirius.

What the hell?

Are they laughing?

Why does Sirius get to charm all the girls. Every single one.

I can get 'em. Seriously, no pun intended, but girls bow at my feet. Even the second years…which is actually kinda disgusting. They're _twelve_, and I'm _seventeen_. That's just wrong. I'm not a pedophile.

But Evans…she just never acted like that. At least, she never let me see…if she did…I hope she did…maybe.

Possibly?

I mean, no girl can not think of a guy like that at least _once_ during their youth…I just hope it wasn't that weird Ravenclaw…Nico something. God, he's such a nerd.

What if she _did_ think of him…like that.

Ewww.

Oh no. No way. God, now I _sound_ like a girl. Not only have I been reduced to a girl seem-a-like, but a girl sound-a-like too. Damn.

"Uh, hey guys." I said, standing awkwardly next to the table.

Sirius smiled at me. He actually had the audacity to smile at me. "What's up?"

I glanced at Evans and lifted an eyebrow as she studiously ignored me. "Not much, how 'bout you? I didn't know you even knew Hogwarts _had_ a library, let alone that you would enter it."

Sirius barked a laugh. "The dashing Miss Evans asked me for a talk and we sat down in the most comfortable place."

"And how is the library more comfortable that the common room, or the head's room?" I wondered aloud.

"Because I believed the two of you would never both be in the library at the same time, therefore we came here to avoid you." Evans cut in, looking pretty dangerous.

Sirius flashed her a confused and exasperated look.

I stiffened. "Listen Evans, I was just trying to find Padfoot. I wouldn't've bothered if I knew I had to deal with you and your attitude as well."

Ouch. That might've been a bit too icy.

Evans almost reeled backwards and I could see her surprise in her eyes.

Her glittering, emerald green eyes.

Look away James, look away.

I saw her glare back at me, a strange glimmer in her eyes, but she looked down to her half finished essay and began scratching away at it.

I harrumphed and turned to Sirius, who had watched our exchange with a mocking glint.

I rolled my eyes at him. "Hey Pads, you want to play a prank?"

He jumped up in excitement. "Yes! Can we nail Snivellus? We haven't gotten him in a while. I've seen him acting up lately."

"You read my mind." We began to march off, but Lil-Evans had followed us.

"You can't actually be thinking about playing a prank on a fellow student."

"Well I'm not gonna play it on a ghost, 'cause that's just stupid, and I doubt you rather us embarrass one of your precious teachers…" I smirked at her.

"You're Head Boy!"

"And?"

"Fine. Go and lose your badge. See what I care." She flounced off.

"You'd care?" I asked her retreating back, but got no answer.

After staring after the girl-who-is-an-enigma for a moment I turned to Sirius. "Ready?"

"Am I ever."

We swaggered out of the library, never to be seen in there until next Thursday.

--

In the Gryffindor 7th year boys dorm we began our plotting.

"No, we will not dye his robes pink. We already did that and to do it again would be repetitive. And Marauders are _not_ repetitive. We are spontaneous!" I yelled, jumping Remus as he walked in the door.

He stared at me dazedly from his position on the floor.

"What?"

"Hi!" I shouted excitedly.

"What?"

"Moony, we're planning a prank on Snivellus, help us!"

"What?"

"A prank." I said crossly. Since when has Moony been a total airhead?

"A prank?"

"Yes. You know those jokes we play on people where we make fun of them? One of those."

Remus stared back at me. "What?"

I looked up at Sirius. "Moony's stoned Padfoot. We need help-"

"HAHAHA!" Moony started laughing.

I backed away.

Sirius leaned in.

Peter slept.

"YOU NEED HELP!"

"Yes, I just said that Moony, and if you're not gonna help you might as well just leave now." I was very annoyed at this point. "Or you could go to sleep, 'cause you obviously need to get off whatever high you're on."

"I'M HIGH ON LIFE!" He shouted.

"I guess we'll just have to kill you then. Hmmm, where'd that silver ring of mine go?" I walked over to my dresser.

Remus became very still on the floor. "So whaddaya need help with again?"

"A prank on Snivellus-"

"So poor Jamesie can get his mind off of Lilykins." Sirius cut in.

I glared at him.

He shrugged. "It's true."

"And you'd know all about it-"

"I would."

"-just 'cause you and Evans were talking in the _library_."

Remus glanced down at Sirius, as he had now gotten up and stopped acting high, just like I was suspecting him of doing. Humph. "You were in the _library_?"

"Talking to _Evans._" I added, annoyed that he missed the main point.

"In the library."

"Talking to Evans."

"In the _library_."

"Tal-"

"Yes, we know, talking to Evans." Sirius interrupted our roundabout conversation.

I glared at both of them, snatching the map from the ground and stared at it blankly.

Remus and Sirius exchanged a look.

Well, I didn't _see_ it, but I could feel it.

Call it masculine intuition.

"What?" I ground out, sending an aggravated look towards the two of them…with their smirks…and their barely controlled laughter…and those damn mocking eyes.

I hate my friends.

"Nothing." Sirius said, glancing at Remus.

Okay, so they hadn't exchanged The Look before, my masculine intuition it just so good, it can predict the future.

I'm just that good.

"So, did I hear something about a prank?" Remus broke the silence.

--

We decided to stick with classic.

In honor of Easter we decided that the Easter Rabbit should pay a visit to Hogwarts.

Don't ask how we know about the E.R. It involves a drunken Sirius, a couple of goblins, five eggs and an angry cop. Actually, only a drunk Sirius, but that's not nearly as fun…

Getting back to our masterful prank: Snivellus, Supper, Rabbit. Need I say more? It was artful in its simplicity. A masterwork of the least work possible.

We had to make up the spell, but it was relatively simple, combining a few human transfiguration spells and a lock so that it would only wear off after an hour, plus the compulsion spell to hand out chocolate eggs to little kids.

Yeah, pretty simple.

Not to brag or anything.

Really.

Our brilliant idea would take place in the Great Hall itself, as Snivellus walked in. Sirius and I would sit at the end of the table, he'd take the transfiguration, I, the compulsion and chocolate basket.

Oh, how something so perfect can end up so wrong.

It was just perfect.

He entered along, greasy nose buried in a book, no doubt Dark Arts, his long greasy hair obscuring his vision.

Sirius and I slipped our wands out.

I counted down.

"Five…four…three…two…one…"

The spells left together, barely leaving a trail, unnoticeable.

Oh, the beauty. The intertwined spells, undetected in the mass noise and chaos.

Oh, that I could spend a thousand years with this bliss and certainty.

Oh, that it could be screwed up by some dumb slut just as quickly.

Except it wasn't a dumb slut.

And it wasn't some hapless Hufflepuff second year.

Or that annoying fifth year Ravenclaw stalker of mine.

Or that nerd Nico something.

Oh Merlin no, it was Evans. Lily Evans. Head Girl Lily Evans. Head Girl Lily bloody beautiful Evans that I'm in love with.

Shall I reiterate?

Pain. Unimaginable pain. That's what I knew awaited me. I could feel it in my bones.

I guess my masculine intuition wasn't all that off.

Those artful intertwined spells. Heading towards the blissfully unaware, slow walking Snivellus, ruined in an instant as Lily slid into him.

She just…burst…through the doors. Ran right into him.

He went down.

She stayed up.

The spells hit.

It was with a deliberate slowness that the spells did their work. She turned a pink and white, like the Energizer bunny (again, don't ask, this time a couple of Muggles really were involved, I don't think I've ever seen an angrier cop than that night) and the basket appeared in her-it's arms.

Oh Merlin.

I turned to Sirius, his mouth gaping like a grindylow, his eyes nearly popping out of their sockets.

--

I tell you this story from the Hospital Wing.

A cautionary tale to those inclined to bend the rules of their own institutions.

It is a fine goal, to be sure, just make sure - for Merlin's and the Madam Pomfrey's of the world - make sure the girl of your dreams is not the object of it.

Especially if she is a very accomplished witch with a lethal wand in hand.

No, not that kind of wand.

--

REVIEWS FOR THE EASTER BUNNY!


End file.
